Last Minute Triptych Dialogue, Left Panel

FESCH.TV INFORMIERT:

(Within the gate of the Acropolis, bundles of tea piled high in ad hoc barricade upstage, fortified in turn by Olivia Rodrigo, Phoebe Bridgers, Este Haim, Ruth Crawford Seeger, Dolly Parton, Tanya Tagaq, Janelle Monáe, Germaine Liu, Jennifer Castle, Pope Joan, Abigail Anderson and Maybelle Carter, after whom Lysistrata appears in a bright yellow plaid scarf and purple velvet suit bearing an electric mandocello, whose D she split-tunes to 9/8 and A to 21/16 just-intonated ratios by ear, before lightly picking a few bars of Keep on the Sunny Side on the C and G and climbing the ramparts, whereupon she plugs into an amp facing away from the audience, turns her back to face away herself, and can be faintly heard now and then warding off hordes of horny Athenian men with ring-modulated renditions of Van Halen’s “Panama”, to which an offstage male choir responds with wordless intonations of Billie Eillish’s “N.D.A.”; women and girls of all ages armed for battle come and go from stage left and right throughout, variously stopping to give or receive orders, attend to the barricade or cheer on Lysistrata)

Catarina Sforza (hereafter known as the Tigress of Forlì): “Uebeschi?”

Jeanne d’Arc (hereafter the Maid of Orléans): “No, I guess I’m Fribourg – the leaky valve I replaced yesterday after a spliff of golden goat on the upper deck seems to be doing fine, just fine in Cam’s toilet,” (gestures an A-OK), ”and now that the new Dyson is home, it isn’t necessarily super urgent for me to vacuum right away, eager as I am to take her on her maiden voyage while there’s big fluffy flakes falling outside the window for the first time this season that it’s staying on the ground and the blotters I just ate haven’t quite started to hit their peak. Why?”

T of F: “Huh?”

M of O: “Didn’t you just ask if I was busy?”

T of F: “No, I was asking if Uebeschi it was where Gessler set up the hat, arrested Tell and set out upon the lake in that fateful storm which was his undoing when made Tell his daring escape?”

M of O: “Ohhh…” (laughing) “Totally misheard you! No, t’would be Altdorf where Tell got scooped by the governor, doing no worse than taking his kid to see Grandpa at that, I might add! And Flüelen it was whence cast they on to Lake Lucerne under hellish tempest, bound for Brunnen, and thence by land via Schwyz to Küssnacht, where it were Tell’s misfortune to rot forever in the shadowy dungeon ‘neath Herr Gessler’s castle, but for the grace of Providence.

T of F: “And the grace of his quick wits and cunning! So too then was it Altdorf where father was made to string his bow and point it toward his dearest kin? Nature herself shudders and rages in protest at the defilement of the natural order!”

M of O: “Aye, and ’tis a grave injustice… Yet does my heart soften for all entangled in the illicit affair at the news just come from Unterbridge.”

T of F: “From Unterbridge, you say? My cousin Caspor’s just been, to see the cardinal at Bathurst Cathedral!“

M of O: “Indeed, the news concerns this very cardinal, an old friend of mine from our time together at the court of Duke Heights otherwise known to those of the faith as Cardinal Tissuegroup, who’s just discovered a manuscript in the Cathedral archives suggesting that the old hymn may be missing words.”

T of F: “Indeed?”

M of O: “Aye, and moreover that they tell of unexpected kindness, alas, set against fears that the loans rendered are contingent on sticking to a certain plan set out in the Treaty of Sydney Mines, which the courtiers von Trinetobee, von Forbearingand, von Patientwiff, and von der Volkswhohurtmee have taken to imply that Sir Dorothea of Stuttgart never courted your Ladyship.”

T of F: “Why ’tis as absurd to deny our correspondence as to say that sparkling wine produced near Sudbury, or,” (shudders), “Ottawa can call itself Champagne and expect to do anything but collect dust on the shelf in Reims! Where has a courtier’s sense of romance gone?”

M of O: “Romance? Oh, you dear sentimental thing!! Can’t you see this is bigger than the storybook setup?!?”

T of F: “Ha…! Nice try, but at this point, we’re going to have to agree to be mutually amused by the Fool’s attempts to ‘break free of his bondage’ as he says, hiding a smirk all the while as he laps up every last drop of my affection and faithfully works out puns or skips associations across Lake Wiki, begging the turtles to let him unburden his heart of all the saucy superlatives he saves for me alone, like-“

M of O: (Laughing as she puts a gentle hand over the Tigress’ lips) “And may they remain with you, my dear Lady! We approach the limit of characters allotted this anagogic absurdist anachronism of ours and I must return to my chores if I’m to travel on from here with a clear conscience.”

T of F: (Removing the Maid’s hand) “But can you afford the gas?”

M of O: „Oh fuck yeah, bud! Pretty sure it’s cheaper across the border, too.“

T of F: „Why shifts thus quicker than silver our manner of speaking?”